My mum died 2 weeks ago. She is not here anymore. She has gone. Writing those words feels very strange. I can hardly believe I will never see her again, never give her a hug, make her a sandwich, help her get going in the mornings, text her to check she is ok…
I am walking the path of loss. It is unreal and grey yet full of the normalcy of life and shot through with sudden shafts of joy and light. My heart is blank but a sudden thought, memory or awareness of mum’s passing sucks me down into sorrow.
Yet within that sorrow I am glad. I am sure Jesus met with mum, even in the infinitesimal moments as she passed from life to death. I am sure He took her by the hand, carrying her through into the life of glory and love everlasting. I am sure she will be there and that we will meet again.
My mum was 92 and was beginning to struggle a lot in life. I found it heartbreaking that she was losing the ability to enjoy so much that she used to enjoy. But she was still alive, still living independently, and I had no expectation that she would die so quickly. I still can’t quite believe it has happened.
Mourning is a strange journey. I loved my mum and was close to her in recent years, but it hasn’t always been an easy relationship. In my book Unashamed I share some of what made it hard between us as I was growing up. Now as I try to take on board that she has gone, I find I am also filled with the deep sadness of those difficult years. Mourning is never straightforward, never just a sudden burst of tears and then peace. It is a kaleidoscope of different colours and shapes. Complex emotions surge within me, a blank numbness, sadness, anger, old feelings of pain and the shame of buried memories. And self- sorrow too sorrow about my own kind of ‘deadness’ of heart. Many may weep and sob when a loved one is taken from them. I’ve had few tears and at times feel shame about that, but my lack of tears does not mean a lack of heart. We are all different and at times of loss it’s vital to be true to who we are. Jesus wept without shame and also expressed godly anger. His heart was torn when His Father turned away from Him on the cross. He felt, He wept, He cried out and expressed His pain. He prayed and called out to God. He asked His friends to be with Him and made time to be on His own. In the midst of His deepest sorrow He promised us joy. We will grieve at night, but joy comes in the morning, He told us.
He the one who walked sorrow’s path, is walking quietly alongside me and all of us who mourn. If I am blank and hard inside, He knows and loves me. If I weep, He is weeping with me and always there to carry my tears. If I am besieged by old memories, He wants to step inside them with healing peace. If I step into self judgement or anger, He whispers ‘there’s no condemnation for anyone in me.’
I walk this path with Him, I receive His comfort in the many, many ways it comes. Comfort is His gift to us all when we mourn. I reach out my hand in the dark and know He has hold of me and we walk together into the light of hope.
Tracy
